Letting Go

Sometimes you just need to let things go. Yeah, I get that, but it can be hard to do. I am a sentimental person so I tend to keep things that are reminders of people and places that are important to me. I am also a creative person and I am finding that it can be equally difficult to let some of my “creations” go. Let me give you an example.

Here is a painting of a buckskin horse I had done with the intention of selling at an upcoming Arts and Crafts Fair. It took a few weeks for him to emerge because he was not coming out easily. So I would stop work for a time so as not to push or rush the process. In the mean time while working on other projects he would catch my eye and my thoughts would dwell on him. Hmmmm, why can’t I get him to emerge? I would catch myself having asking him why he was making it so hard for me to help him come into the world. As he was emerging he just looked so haughty and prideful about it all that I took to calling him Pride. Which later became the name of the painting. (I know, I know. This all says a lot more about me than him.)

After completion, he sat on the easel for a few weeks while I finished my other projects for the event. During which time I just enjoyed his presence. He brought a sense of satisfaction of a difficult job well done. While I could see the ‘flaws’ in my work there was just something compelling about him. When it came time to prep him for the sale I just couldn’t do it. I could not let him go. It’s not that I consider him the best work that I’ve done, he’s not, I think that it is more that he reminds me of a challenge that I managed to meet and besides, I like him and I like having him around looking down that prideful nose at everyone and everything. Let him go…..mmmm…not just yet.

Actually, I have always found it difficult to let my art work go unless I was making it for someone specifically. I tend to put more of myself into my paintings than anything else that I do. When I let them go it’s as if I am giving away a piece of myself or my world. When doing that for family and friends that to me is a good thing. Selling them to someone unknown, that’s much harder.

Letting go is hard. However, sometimes it is necessary. Clinging to “stuff” and even people can be detrimental to our well being. Someone once said that, “Letting go is a part of moving on to something better. You will not get what you truly deserve if you’re too attached to the things you’re supposed to let go of. Sometimes you love, and you struggle, and you learn, and you move on. And that’s ok. You must be willing to let go of the life you planned for so you can enjoy the life that is waiting for you.” (Anonymous)

Now I have been talking about “stuff” but letting go has far more deeper meanings and ramifications when applied to our work and ministry, our relationships, our children and family, as well as our possessions. No matter the situation, letting go is often one of the hardest things we are asked or required to do. But we are not left wanting when we choose to make right decisions to let go. Remember, Beloved, I do not consider that I have made it my own; but this one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:12-14 NRSV)

The Right Tool

My sewing machine was on it’s last leg and just a smidge from dying! I was trying to finish the last few projects for my upcoming Arts & Craft sale. Sigh, it didn’t make it. It needed to be fixed. I could not in good conscience continue to use it as it was affecting the quality of my work.

With a heavy heart I looked into a possible replacement. I did not want to simply fix my machine because I had been hoping to replace it with an upgraded one if I could make enough money at my next sales event. My husband urged me to go ahead look into purchasing a new machine. As I set out to look for a new machine I was calculating what I could perhaps expect to make at the sale verses what I could afford to add to that. I was assuming that the machine I had had my eye on was out of the question so this was not a very happy task for me.

I decided to check out the brand of machine I was hoping for knowing that there was no way I could afford the one I actually had my eye on. But, nothing ventured nothing gained. To my surprise and flickering hope…A huge sale! Dare I push the budget to actually get the one that I wanted? It was almost within my budget range but not quite. What to do? My mind was trying to think things through while watching the demonstration by the salesperson. My prayers were going heavenward pleading for help as to what I should do. To help me not to simply give into my want. I worked hard to listen to what the Lord was saying to me while trying to beat back my excitement at a possible purchase. So close and yet so far!

I did it! (Do I have an awesome husband or what! Rather than being upset at the added cost He encouraged me that we could work it out, no problem.) The arts and craft sale went very well and I was able to apply it to a good portion of the cost of the machine. I now have my “dream machine.” ….I have my dream sewing machine….wow….

As I was finishing up projects for the sale on my new machine, I realized how easy everything was going. The machine was working correctly and I did not have to fight with it. I had forgotten how relaxing and enjoyable sewing could be for me. I had been so frustrated sewing on my old machine that all I had been experiencing was disappointment, anxiety and tension. I could not help but think of the old adage, ‘the right tool for the right job.’ Yet even when you do use the correct tool if it is not used correctly or in disrepair it is no better than using the wrong tool.

I am so looking forward to working on my next projects and discovering all of the features that are now available to me on my new sewing machine. Two things I have appreciated through all of this: first that the joy of creativity can and will push through obstacles to come to fruition; second I was reminded that with the right tools creativity enlarges itself by leading to new possibilities.

In all of this I thank my Lord for helping me to navigate the minefield of temptation as to what I can and should do in this whole situation.

A peek at my next project.

It will be a table runner….I think

Response

 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance, perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)

Have you ever considered that your responses to life’s situations can be considered a spiritual discipline? Keith Drury in his book, With Unveiled Facescomes to this conclusion: that at the end of all spiritual disciplines is this one final ‘discipline’ called response. He states that “a right response to life is not automatic. If anything, our natural responses are more often the wrong ones. Thus it is a spiritual discipline to respond the way Christ calls us to respond.” So to the list of spiritual disciplines, Drury suggests that we should add Response. Aspiritual disciplinethat calls for us to manage or exercise discipline in our reactions and responses to what life brings us, be it good or bad. I have come to believe that this is an important ‘discipline’ that aids us in our ministry.  Like any discipline it needs to be cultivated and exercised in and through our relationship with Christ.

As I look back at my own life and the way in which I may have reacted in any given situation, I have to admit to the truth of Drury’s conclusions. I think back to my last appointment as an active officer and contemplate what some of my responses were to some decisions from THQ. For example, if I were to disagree with a given decision and choose to complain about it loudly and publicly it is easy to see how this negative response would cause me stress personally but consider the negative stress that my reaction could cause to those around me.  Worse still my responses could then cause negative reactions in co-workers; and could lead to divisiveness in a number of areas: officer to officer, DHQ to THQ, employee to employee, officer to employee, etc.  Like a pebble thrown into still waters, the ripples of effect could have reached far and wide. Conversely, should I choose to exercise the spiritual discipline response and simply accept the decision given by THQ and look for ways of reconciling myself to it then instead of a ripple of negativity the waters would remain much more calm. It then becomes easier to keep relationships strong so that focus on mission and ministry maintains its priority.

I remember being in the fall months of a new appointment when our daughter was struck by a car on the way to school.  I remember coming to the scene and seeing my daughter stretched out on the road being attended to by EMTs.  I clearly remember the stab of fear that went through my whole body.  My first reaction was prayer for my daughter’s life and health. As I stood there alone praying, unable to move, unable to reach or touch my daughter, a stranger simply placed a hand on my shoulder and uttered a comforting word.  I realize now that, at the moment I instinctively recognized in that stranger God’s comfort and reassurance.  In the ambulance ride to the hospital, I once again gave my daughter back to God and prayed for strength to accept what lay ahead. Somehow, in that moment, my past relationship with the Lord guided my response to the horrific crisis that was facing me. (Praise God she was and is totally fine—a miracle that I still marvel at. And in fact was privileged to experience with my son. Am so grateful that God is still a God of miracles.)

About a year later I discovered that the people of our new corps had noticed my response in this situation and my reliance on God.  In their observations, (that were shared with me by an awesome woman of God.) my response indicated that I had the God-given resources to deal with difficult situations. The outcome was a greater ability to minister to our people and to help them through their own difficult or tragic situations.  I am not sure what the effect would have been if I would have allowed fear and bitterness to be my response.  Responses such as: How could this happen to my daughter, I’ve been trying to be a good Officer, witness, etc.; they should throw the driver who hit her in jail, it’s all his fault; and on and on. Responses such as these lead more to self-pity and help no one. In fact I would maintain that they do more to harm ministry because the focus is on self and lacks trust in God and His control of circumstances.  On the other hand exercising spiritual response looking only for the best outcomes in a tragic or difficult situation demonstrates trust in God for whatever the outcome may be which brings to the individual a calmness and peace that is attractive to those around them.

I still praise God and marvel at the peace that carried me through an ambulance ride to the hospital not knowing what awaited my daughter there. In all of that I do know that my spiritual life was deepened and enriched in and through this very real life and death experience. And today—thank you, Jesus—I have a beautiful daughter who loves and serves the Lord as well as a loving son-in-law and two extraordinarily bright and beautiful grandchildren.

In his book, Drury, goes on to explain that: “Each of our responses becomes a thread that weaves together the rope of our character. Our character is the sum and total of our choices. In the spiritual discipline of response, we braid into that rope Christlike responses to life’s situations.”

My continued prayer is that God would continue to work in me in such a way that my response, even in the smallest most unimportant situations, will be appropriate and in keeping with His will.

“There is meaning in every journey that is unknown to the traveler.”                              —Dietrich Bonhoeffer

 

In His Image

It’s funny the things that give pleasure within the same activity/genre.  I like to make quilts. Which is a sewing activity, right?  But I do not care to sew clothing as I once did. What I have come to realize is that it is not the activity of sewing that I like, it is what I am sewing or better said, creating.  Even in sewing a quilt I can quickly come to dislike it if I do not like how color or patterns are progressing.

Creativity if a funny thing. It can inspiring or frustrating; it can be challenging or   easy; it can be a driving force or lassez-faire. God gave this marvelous gift, I believe to give us a measure of understanding about who He is and what He is like.

Since we are made in the image of a creative God there is a measure of creativity within each of us. Yet there are those who seem to be bereft of this creative gene.  In my first appointment it was part of my responsibility to work with kids ages 7 to 10.  During an art project I suggested that they use their imagination to draw a picture about some part of the story we had just read that they liked. I was astounded (and heart broken) at the lack of imagination within these poverty-stricken kids whose parents were themselves educationally limited.  For example, several of the kids parents could not read nor write or even sign their own names.  We had a number of adults using some form of an X to sign their vouchers when receiving assistance from us.

It took these kids to help me realize how insidious poverty can be. From that point forward I made it a priority to try and stimulate and help these kids awaken their imagination and to begin exercising their creative gifts. I will never forget their responses as they began to actually create something from their own imaginations with no help from mine. It was an experience that as I think back I cannot help but to ponder how much light came into the life of those kids as they began to learn to create.  Even if it was to simply draw a fish/whale.

I recall reading an article about creativity that spoke about Adam’s creation. Part of it read something like this:

Imagine day six of creation. God has formed the very first man but he lays lifeless. The outer shell has been formed and the body made but there are eyes without sight, ears without hearing, lungs without air, and a heart without a beat. There lay God’s            creation jewel the period of His work. Finished?

God’s creation was done. Finished. Finished? Man formed, yes. But finished, no. Creation would not be complete until the first gasp of breath. God had ‘imagined’ how He would create this human and like all artists paused knowing that the work is almost complete but just what does it need added to be finished. Ah, yes, I need to add breath. But how to get breath into the body of His creation? I’ll breath into it and he will become complete.

Creativity challenging and easy….for God.  And even frustrating as the Creator God realizes that the human was not finished even when breath and life had been added because he was alone. And so our Triune God created another human to complement and finish His human creation.

I absolutely love the idea that my Creator God did not simply speak Adam and Eve into existence as He did with the rest of creation but He formed us by His hands. Creating us with the abilities to think, reason, feel, and create. Created in His Image.

I love this quote by Max Lucado, “God must’ve had a blast. Painting the stripes on the zebra, hanging the stars in the sky, putting the gold in the sunset. What creativity! Stretching the neck of the giraffe, putting the flutter in the mockingbird’s wings, planting the giggle in the hyena. And then, as a finale to a brilliant performance, He made a human who had the unique honour to bear the stamp, In His Image.”

 

 

 

 

Tiling…in Embroidery

I have done some tiling in my time–backsplashes, fireplaces, etc.–but this is the first time I have done it in an embroidery project. It is almost as challenging as tiling with porcelain tiles.

 

My first project, “Dashing through the Snow” was quite a challenge but one undertook with enthusiasm and ignorance of the process. I loved it frustration and all. I want to do this pattern again and next time do it correctly.  There are some minor errors in the one that I completed that I would like to correct. Nevertheless it still came out well and I love it.

In fact I enjoyed the process so much I purchased another pattern that I absolutely love and, for the most part, is progressing well. But boy! the stitch count is up there!

This one is called “Santa’s Workshop.”  So far I have 17 out of 32 tiles completed. It is a lengthy process. One of the tiles took 97 minutes to complete. Patience is a very necessary ingredient in this tiling process.  Well, really I guess it would be necessary in any kind of tiling process.

In case you have not noticed, I love to sew, quilt, embroider. I love learning new techniques and new ways to create old patterns.  Needlework requires lots of patience if your goal is to create a flawless (almost flawless) piece.

Patience is something that I have come to appreciate through the quilting process. Take the time to do it right then you won’t have too many mistakes to correct. And don’t expect to complete your project in one sitting.  Since I’ve learned this lesson the quilting process has become much more enjoyable.

I approach my work time with anticipation of working on a particular project with the added bonus of listening to a book, podcast, or music.  TV is great for keeping you company when you don’t need to pay attention to it.  As the mother of four I still find some kind of noise (voices) in the house somehow soothing.

Patience also allows you to enjoy the process along the way. Worry over completion of the project is removed and the love of the creative process becomes dominant. In addition I have discovered that a by product, for me, of learning  patience is contentment.

Paul wrote to the Philippians, “I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content (4:11).” This is so much more difficult than it sounds because contentment is something that we learn. It is not a natural part of us. We’re not born with it. It is not a gift. For some of us it may take years and for others, not so much but it is something that is learned by those who choose to pursue it.

Generally we tend to  look for things that will make us content; those things that we deem better or the next rung in our career rather than putting forth the effort it takes to learn how to be content. If only I had a dollar for every time I have heard someone (and myself) say, I will be happy/content/satisfied when I am promoted; when I am married; when I am single; if I were rich; if/when I am healed; so forth and so forth.

Contentment is not about denying one’s feelings about wanting or desiring something they can never have, rather being content brings to the individual freedom. Freedom from being controlled by the feelings of always wanting and never having enough.

Contentment is not pretending that every thing is all right when it is not, but rather contentment brings about the peace that comes from knowing that God is bigger than any problem and that he will work all of life’s problems and difficulties out for our good.

“Contentment isn’t a feeling of well-being contingent on keeping circumstances under control, but instead it promotes a joy in spite of circumstances, looking to God who never varies. Contentment is not based on external circumstances, but rather on an internal source. Contentment is of the heart” (Rick Ezell).

Let me leave you with a John Wesley story of contentment and gratitude. John Wesley was about 21 years of age when he went to Oxford University. He came from a Christian home, and he was gifted with a keen mind and good looks. Yet, in those days he was a bit snobbish and sarcastic. One night, however, something happened that set in motion a change in Wesley’s heart. While speaking with a porter, he discovered that the poor fellow had only one coat and lived in such impoverished conditions that he didn’t even have a bed. Yet, he was an unusually happy person, filled with gratitude to God. Wesley, being immature, thoughtlessly joked about the man’s misfortunes. ‘And what else do you thank God for?’ he said with a touch of sarcasm. The porter smiled, and in the spirit of meekness replied with joy, ‘I thank Him that He has given me a life and being, a heart to love Him, and above all a constant desire to serve Him!’ Deeply moved, Wesley recognized that this man knew the meaning of true contentment.” (Source unknown)

Who knew you could learn so much from quilting? Or from a railroad porter.

 

The Quilt Shop

This past weekend we spent some time in Berlin, Ohio attending the Hostetler family Quinquennial (every 5 years) Reunion. During down time I went to as many quilt shops as I could. Now that I am on my way home I have been thinking about the pleasure I get from going to these shops. What is it about these places that give me so much pleasure is the question I’ve been contemplating.

Part of it is the array of colors, patterns, and textures but it is more than that. What I like most are the possibilities and challenges that the quilt shop represents. What kind of project will I discover? Quilt, throw, table runner, wall hanging or something totally different like an embroidered “tile” wall hanging. When the project is discovered then comes the creative joy of material selections–colors and print patterns–as well as all the bling and stuff that will complete my creation. Next comes the challenge of bringing my project into being when I get it back to my studio.

Then there are the discoveries of some beautiful material that you just need to have and can figure out later how to use it. I just finished a project with material that I had purchased in Oregon about ten years ago. I have more material that falls into this category. That too provides me with the joy of anticipated discovery of a future project.

It is at this point that I want to heap lots of praise and love on my husband who understands my joy of quilt shops and my need to “create.” If he is with me he will wait patiently for me to complete my visit especially if we are traveling he will make it possible to visit the area quilt shops. (Thank you New York Times Crossword puzzles that makes his wait time more pleasant!)

In my visit to Berlin’s quilt shop I found a few gems that I am looking forward to using. Unfortunately, I know that I am going to have to keep reminding Don that I cannot charge $600 to $1200 dollars for the quilts that I sell!

Ravi Zacharias in his podcast on Pleasure points out that true pleasure is derived simply from enjoying the intrinsic goodness of the activity. It is like taking a walk to enjoy nature versus walking for exercise purposes.

What is it that gives you pleasure? Sewing, music, art, walking, reading….? Enjoy without excuse.

“May all your ups and downs in life be with a needle and thread.”

The Joy of Creating

To quote Breen Brown,  “Creativity is the way I share my soul with the world.”  I totally agree with this.  Anytime I am creating–painting, quilting, crafting–there is within me a sense of peace and contentment. There are times when I look at a piece I’m working on or I’ve finished and I wonder where that came from and how did I do that?  I find this especially true when I am painting.  At times it feels almost as if I am “birthing” some new thing.  There are those things that I create that absolutely come from a special place within me; my soul perhaps?  Other items come easily and bring a simple sense of satisfaction simply through the creative process.

This blog is a different kind of creativity for me.  I do like to write but it is almost always more laborious than any of my other creative efforts. I have not written much here this year as I have been trying to determine the direction I would like to take with this blog or even if I wanted to keep it.

I have finally decided how I want to use this website.  It will serve a duel purpose. I will combine writing with the sharing of my other creative processes and projects. I will also be using it more in connection with my little cottage industry venture, Arvey’s Creations. 2018 will be the first full year of operation (taxes and all!).

“How did you do that?” is a question that is a tough one to answer.  Now I could say, ‘well first I did this and then I did that,’ but that doesn’t answer the question that is being asked.  The questioner is really asking, “how did you come up with that idea” or “how did you think to do ‘it’ that way.” Someone once said that, “Creativity is just connecting things. When you ask creative people how they did something, they feel a little guilty because they really didn’t do it, they just saw something. It seemed obvious to them after a while.”  

However creativity happens, it requires an openness and flexibility to totally change directions. For me it requires living with a certain amount of chaos that has a way of floating around me until it begins to fall into place.  The chaotic times of creativity are the difficult parts and it is only as it falls into place that the sense of accomplishment begins to make its appearance.

There are times when I approach a project in fear and trepidation.  I have a vision of what I hope to do but I know that the finished piece will be different than what I had envisioned–sometimes spectacularly different. Sometimes there is total failure and I grieve what could have been. I absolutely love the times when things turn out spectacularly better than I could ever have hoped. It’s kind of like looking into the eyes of your newborn and marveling at the part of you that has just been birthed.

I believe there is a creative gene in all of us and when we express ourselves creatively we become a true reflection of God. “Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good.” (Genesis 1:31)

 

 

 

Name

“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet.” No doubt that this is true but these days I am discovering the effect that a ‘name’ can have on you.

Very often the first piece of information we have about something or someone is derived from its name. We tend to form judgements very quickly so that the first bit of information, the name, is important. It can lean you in a positive direction or a negative direction. And those first bits of information can set the stage for future interactions.  

So why am I “waxing eloquent” about names? In my retirement I have undertaken, along with friends, the development of a small business venture. As a group we call ourselves, Cranstetler Crafts but each of us have our own individual selling space and inventories and individual event names. I recently decided to change mine to Arvey’s Creations. 

As I have begun the ‘branding’ process I began to notice the effect that the name change was having on me. I found that I am drawn more to the process of creating and what I am creating rather than crafting something that I believe might sell. While I always care about the quality of a piece I am finding that quality seems to have taken on increasing importance. In the past I felt more driven to get things done and tended to overlook very minor defects. But I find that I am not comfortable doing that any longer. I believe that it is because it bears my name which indicates that it is my creation. I want to be able to take pride in each and every item that I create.

Scripture reminds us that, “A good name is more desirable than great riches.” (Proverbs 22:1) At the end of the day my reputation for quality work is more important than the number of sales that I can generate. And I agree with Rachel Ingber when she says, “A name represents identity, a deep feeling and holds tremendous significance for its owner.”

Preach

I am discovering, and learning these days to deal with random thoughts and memories that seem to come at me from out of nowhere. In Sunday Bible class we have been studying from chapter 5 in Matthew within the context of holiness. At one point in the discussions I was reminded of the Salvation Army College for Officer Training and my own training experiences there. Perhaps my most powerful encounter happened to me there. 

All Christians have been called to “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.” (Mark 16:14) God called me to do ‘my preaching’ through The Salvation Army as an officer. I was fearful of this call for so many reasons but the greatest worry for me was that I was terrified to speak in front of people. (I was so painfully shy that as a child I would skip school on the days when oral reports were to be given.) Nevertheless, with the intent to obey Christ’s command I answered God’s call to officership.

I will never forget the first sermon I ever preached. It was as a cadet during my field training assignment at the Times Square Corps. It was bad enough that I had to stand at a pulpit and preach to a group of people in the chapel, but I also had to contend with the fact that it was broadcast outside. While the message (and the meeting in general) was going on inside, there were cadets outside handing out tracts, talking to people (about the message, etc.), and inviting folks to come inside. This assignment to preach became a powerful turning point for me.  
As I stood to read the scripture I was so scared that I was shaking all over and could barely speak—I could even see out of the corner of my eye that the bow on my bonnet was shaking! I sat down in great fear and near panic. As the next item on the program, a band selection, was taking place I began imploring God. I prayed this simple prayer: “God you have called me and I want to be here but I can’t do this without your help. Please, help me!” At that moment I felt the peace of God envelop me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. No more shaking, no more fear. The band finished playing and I stood and delivered that sermon with confidence. I even remember the opening line: “Have you ever stood in the midst of a crowd and felt completely alone?” Now I don’t know how effective that sermon was for anyone else (or the grade I received) but it was a game changer for me. God showed me very clearly that He had indeed called me and that He would equip me and help me to do the work and ministry involved in that calling. 
Not only was this experience a confirmation of my calling I believe that it was a second work of grace much like the those at Pentecost experienced. The power of that moment brought about profound changes within me that enabled me to do the work that I had been called to do.

The constant prayer of my life has been captured in the chorus of Richard Slater’s song:

I have not much to give thee, Lord,

For that great love which made thee mine:

I have not much to give thee, Lord,

But all I have is thine.

Discerning “Ought”

Another post from Lt. David Hostetler that is too good not to share. 

There isn’t much current TV that I watch these days, so if it isn’t sports I’m watching it’ll likely be re-runs on either Netflix or Amazon prime, and recently Presvytera Nora and I have been watching the old sitcom “Frasier” on Netflix. One of the long running themes of the show was Frasier’s brother Niles’ unrequited affection for their father’s live in therapist Daphne, an affection known only to his brother and father. At the conclusion of season 7, however, both Daphne and Niles admit their amorous love for one another, but only after Niles has recently married and on the eve of Daphne’s wedding to another man. What to do?

The dilemma made me think of the climax of the movie Casablanca, wherein Humphrey Bogart’s character Rick faces a similar dilemma with a married woman. They had been in love once—and seem to be again—she wants to stay with Rick rather than escaping with her husband to neutral Spain, but he won’t let her, saying she’d regret it, “Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.” They did the right thing, not what was easy, but what they ought to do.

I thought Niles and Daphne would also, since that is how the show and season ended, but the next season began with Daphne jilting her fiancé at the altar and Niles telling his new bride that he wants a divorce. They did what they wanted, what they thought would make them happy, not what they ought to have done.

Whether or not the span of time between the movie and the TV show, and the social changes during that time are to blame for the difference is impossible for me to tell, but I am certain that modern audiences could not fully appreciate what Rick and Ilsa did, and are more likely to understand and approve of Niles and Daphne’s decision. More and more these days, as we erode every common morality in favor of individuals’ self-determined ones, we become unable even to discern an “ought.” Rather we replace the “ought,” that ideal model for right thoughts, feelings, and actions, with the self, making our ultimate aim self-fulfillment, what makes me happy.

When the self replaces the ought we are unable to value properly the kind of work we do, so rather than find joy in the work at hand that must be done, we seek more “fulfilling” and “meaningful” work. In other words, work that pleases me and makes me proud to tell others what I do. It’s no longer sufficient to see work as a means to the ends of providing for one’s needs, work becomes an end in and of itself; we are what we do.

When the ought gives way to the self we also fail to evaluate our relationshipsproperly. Rather than offering ourselves to others, we seek relationships that feed our self-esteem and avoid those “difficult” people. Rather than doing the hard work of living in community, we isolate ourselves in enclaves of like-minded people and thank God we’re not like that man over there. We hide behind our phones and computer screens, refusing to stand face to face.

Until we recognize that there is a way we ought to act, and that our self is fulfilled only in relationship with God and others, then we will continue to confuse our desire, which is disordered by sin, with our need, which is constant. Self-denial used to be a cornerstone of Christian faith and practice, now it is done if we can fit it into our schedule. The 5k this weekend will make me feel better for doing something for others. But we need the other more than we need to feel good. And we need God more than we need our self. The cosmic irony is that we only becomefully ourselves when we surrender fully to Christ first. So, the next time we find ourselves confronted with a choice, the best question to ask is not “what do I want?” or “what feels right?” or “what makes me happy?” We should ask ourselves and each other, “What ought I to do?” “What is the right thing to do?” Only with our self in its proper, subordinate state can we have healthy relationships or be truly fulfilled. Several episodes later Niles and Daphne are still picking up the pieces of relationships broken by their selfish choice. Rick walked off camera with Renault saying, “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”